“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.”

“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.”

“That money talks, I’ll not deny, I heard it once: It said, ‘Goodbye’.”

“What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.”

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”

“Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.”

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”