Howard Nemerov

“The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me.”

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Al Unser

“Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.”

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Gracie Allen

“When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16 and only serve half.”

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Red Skelton

“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”

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Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

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Bill Hicks

“We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.”

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Unknown

“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.”

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Richard Armour

“That money talks, I’ll not deny, I heard it once: It said, ‘Goodbye’.”

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Christopher Fry

“What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.”

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Prince Philip

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

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